I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
