I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
