My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
