I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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