I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
