i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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