Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize