Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
