I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize