You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
