What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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