I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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