Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
