Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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