my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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