Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
