we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
tell me about the fingering
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