Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
