He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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