He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
