Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
