I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
