Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
