I love having hate sex.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
