one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize