So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
