We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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