All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
