He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
