I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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