we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
