I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
