even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
