Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize