You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
