Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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