i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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