All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
