im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
handjob tips. give me some.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
