This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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