went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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