I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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