Betty ford says i'm here all night
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
