Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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