Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
