if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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