Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
