We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
mondays should just be called national damage control day
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
