if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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