He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I am mentally ready for anal.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
