remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize