i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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