how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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