he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
