I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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