I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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