I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
