I faked an abortion last night.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
