you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
