He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize