dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
