i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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