if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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