I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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